A Tree Side Conversation With Myself
The other day I was having an emotionally hard morning. So I passed off the baby to her daddy, got in my car, and drove. I didn't know where I was headed but I found myself wandering into a familiar parking lot. I got out and walked over to a well worn playground.
Then I saw a tree. THE tree. For a few moments I just stood there looking at it. It’s not a particularly beautiful tree. And there is nothing special about the landscape of the little park where it sits.
But then suddenly I knew I needed to see it. I just needed to stand there for a moment and look at it. To breathe and to remember.
The Story Behind The Tree
What’s so special about that tree? I’m sure you are wondering. Honestly, nothing. Nothing is special about that tall hunk of wood with aging bark and ivy climbing up its side.
Except, that I once spent hours sitting under that tree. It was a week before I first went to Haiti in 2017. A crisp but sunny November day.
I had known about the trip for 5 months. Had been preparing and meeting with my mission team the whole time. But days before I was to leave I found myself scared.
I needed space to clear my head. So, I rode my bike down to that park with my journal and Bible. Sitting under the tree I imagined what Haiti would be like. Journaling my thoughts and feelings onto paper I prayed for God to go before me.
I wasn’t scared to travel. Or of the flights, or spending a week with strangers. I wasn’t even scared of leaving home. I’d done all of that before.
Under The Tree In 2017
My only fear was that I would get to Haiti and I wouldn’t love the Haitian people enough to make a difference. I was afraid that there was no room in my heart to love that much. Or that I would lack the grace to adapt to their Afro-French culture.
Silly? Maybe. But it’s true. I was a mess. There under the tree crying and wondering what I’d gotten myself into.
Looking back I don’t regret that my only fear was not being able to love enough. After all, I will never regret not wanting to be in a country if I couldn’t love the locals. I don't believe anyone should be somewhere where they can't love the people around them.
Under The Tree In 2025
8 years later I was back in that spot. Sitting under that tree with tears in my eyes again. This time I wasn’t there trying to get over my fears before going to Haiti. This time I was there trying to get over sorrow of spending yet another month in the US and not in Haiti.
Lately it’s been getting to me. The sadness of feeling like an ex-expat when I never wanted to be. Of missing my life there and being in a constant in-between season. I often need to remind myself that this time is just that, a season.
This is the hope that I cling to. And on that day it was that old tree that reminded me. Such a mundane object that the Lord used to help me recall the lessons that I have learned between sitting under those branches in 2017 and sitting there again in 2025.
Oh if I could go back to that November day and sit down beside the old me. I’d have so much to say! It would go something like this…
To My Pre-Haiti Self
Hey, I know you're scared. But everything is going to be alright. Actually, it’s going to be more than alright. Because after you step off that plane you are going to fall in love with those people and your heart is going to expand and you will never be the same!
The more years that go by of serving overseas, the more you’ll realize that loving well starts with surrender. You won’t have to muster up a love for these people. All that is required of you is that you let go.
Let go of your plans, your ideas, your dreams, and your love of comfort. If God calls you to a place, and He is calling you, even if it is a hard and messy and devastated place. He will give you the love that you need to thrive there.
The going is not about you. Loving is not on your shoulders. All that matters is your obedience.
The quirks and the mess will grow on you. I can’t believe I am saying that! But, the smell of exhaust mixed with dust, heat, and crowds of people is going to be comforting to you years down the road. Because it will remind you of stepping out of that Port Au Prince airport and being home.
The Older And Wiser Me
And one day, 8 years from now your older and wiser sell will need to be reminded. So, remind her that the outcomes are still not up to her. She'll need to be assured that God is still working in Haiti and that the work He has begun He will complete.
When that day comes the post-Haiti you will come back to this little park. You will sit down under this tree and you’ll remember every time that you saw God move in wild ways over the past nearly decade since leaving for Haiti that November day.
P.S. Not only will you be given grace to love the Haitian people. But your best friend will be a Haitian. He will become not only your friend but your husband and the father to your half Haitian baby girl. Those two Haitians will become your world. And Haiti will be home.
God is writing a beautiful story and it's far from over…
