Everything You Never Dreamed of (when intercultural marriage was never your plan)

Some of you who didn't know me post missionary life would never have guessed it. After all, I only dated once and it ended in my intercultural marriage of 4 1/2 years. But it's true. When I would dream of my future home, marriage, and children I was always standing beside an American. Intercultural marriage was never in my plan, in fact, it was everything I never dreamed of.

It didn't cross my mind that I might marry outside of my state, and especially not country! Before I fell headlong into ministry in the Centre region of Haiti I had no preconceived notions of getting married there. In my mind I had given up the idea of marriage. The more I became committed to my calling the more that dream faded away.

For some people that is not their story. There are those who seek out a unique relationship for the fun of it. Or resort to online dating to find some diversity away from home. Then there are those who, like me, never planned to become a part of the intercultural married minority. This is for those who never had intercultural marriage on their to do list.

My Intercultural Relationship

I (Rachel) am the wife of a native Haitian, with African roots, who is a missionary to his own people, and the best father to our daughter, Nelinah. We became friends in 2018. Haiti looked much different then. As our friendship grew through doing full time ministry together. Despite my reservations and initial refusal to begin dating, we eventually fell head over heals in love.

Seven years later after months and months of long distance dating and marriage, 3 1/2 years of visa paperwork, and both of us working through culture shock in turn, here we are. Happily married, parents, partners in running our own ministry, and figuring out this whole intercultural thing!

Sometimes I feel that my marriage is more beautiful than any I have ever seen! But I won't lie, there've been many times where I have felt that I have been dealt a harder lot than many of my sisters in Christ who are happily married to their American husbands.

The Unique Challenges

In a cross-cultural relationship when we stay focused on putting Christ at the center, loving well, and growing in understanding it is beautiful. However, when we look around at what others have or watch our friends take a different less complicated path, which is so easy to do, suddenly our marriage may feel harder than theirs. Intercultural or not. We aren't meant to compare our marriages, this can quickly lead to discontentment!

As the wife of a non US citizen I can attest that there are unique challenges that come along with intercultural relationships. One of the major challenges for us was dealing with all the negative comments and advice from people who didn't understand the path we chose to walk.

Satan will use even people who are close to you to speak negativity and encourage conflict in your relationship. The hard reality of intercultural marriage is that it is a sure way to lose friends! Although, not always intentionally there will be people who find you odd or have trouble relating to you and thus don't put in the effort to connect.

I want to forewarn you that there will probably be expressed concern from people around you. And negative comments from strangers that "relationships like that never work out". At times it will feel like the world is against your marriage.

Dealing With Cultural Differences

On top of the outward discouragement there will be times of inward testing as well. The path of growing in understand is a long and hard one. It requires the peeling back of your cultural lens that has been there since the beginning. Stepping out of your cultural conditioning and world view to see that your way of thinking isn't the only way.

Think back to when you first started learning a language. Maybe it was middle school Spanish class or becoming fluent on the mission field, or something else. For each of us there are times when despite hearing a phrase multiple times you just can't for the life of you grasp its meaning. Now, think about that in relation to a misunderstanding that comes up between your spouse and you.

There are times when try as I might to understand where my Haitian husband is coming from in a disagreement I just won't see the issue the same way he does. I can't because I did not grow up the same way that he did nor have I gone through the same experiences that he has. Here is where we must have grace. Grace to accept that his thoughts and opinions, though they might not make sense to me, are valid.

The Unique Joy

Imagine diving into a new culture. Traveling abroad. Trying new foods. Learning a new language. Sight seeing a new mountain top. It is easy to get hyped up on the highs of an experience like that. When you start to see all the beauty around you in another culture it's exciting.

An Intercultural marriage can be like this! It can be a unique and amazing experience learning to love someone who is so different than you. Who challenges you and stretches you and surprises you daily.

There is a certain joy in learning to love outside of cultural lines. While being a missionary gives you this experience on some level, being married to a local in your mission country opens the door to really understand the culture and relate to the people on a whole different level. It opens your eyes to a broader view of the world where you can learn to see things from the different point of view of your spouse.

Our Experiences Shape Us

Growing up in rural Missouri has in many ways made me who I am. Throw in the experience of traveling and living abroad in the Philippines and Haiti. The hardships of watching people I love die. The joy of pouring into ministry full time in certain seasons. Mix in being homeschooled and coming out of cultish religious practices when I was young.

There you have a lot of what has grown me, shaped me, and made me, me. It may not be a conscious process, but I view the world through the hue of my personal reality. I can change my mind about certain beliefs and issues, but I can never erase the impact that my experiences have had on me.

The same goes for my husband. He did not set foot in the US until in his 30's! He grew up in a small farming village in Haiti. With no indoor plumbing, bathing in the river. Eating meals cooked over a fire, never having ordered at a restaurant until adulthood. Walking to school, walking to the market, walking everywhere. Working hard to pay for his own school. Learning to share and give generously even when his own needs were not met.

To expect him to see things the way I do is impossible and honestly pretty selfish. His experiences are what has molded and shaped him into the man he is today. I can either see the beauty in that and choose to be patient when our points of view do not align. Or I can get frustrated and try to force him to see what I see.

My choice in this matter will largely contribute to the peace or conflict that we experience in our intercultural marriage. This is a choice that you should make your mind up about before jumping in to a relationship.

Creating New Experiences Together

I hope you are not feeling discouraged by the reality of all the challenges that are up ahead for you if you have newly begun an intercultural relationship. While you will surely face many hard seasons and challenges because of the path you've chosen to walk. You will eventually, with work and God's grace, make it to a place of smoother sailing.

Just as your experiences growing up have shaped you, the new experiences you go through daily will continue to make you into a different, and hopefully a better and more mature, person.

Your shared experiences will help you to grow in understanding! As the months and years of dating and marriage go on your lens will begin to change hue. And though you will likely never be able to relate 100% in everything, you will more and more.

Practical Help When You Just Don't Get Your Foreign Spouse

Some of the greatest practices we've found in our relationship have been;

Talk About Everything

Try not to assume anything. We've become pretty good at sharing our thoughts and feelings about the smallest of things. Because maybe the other will have never thought about it the way we do. For example: Who should be the one to hang up the phone after a call? What affection is ok in public and what is not ok? Do we say good morning first thing every single day? When is it appropriate to apologize? What is ok to discuss with others and what should be kept personal pertaining to our relationship? What do I expect from the man of the house? What does he expect from me as his wife and homemaker?

Seek To Experience The Other's Way of Life

While it's not doable for everyone to the same degree it's important to find ways to experience your spouses culture. For me that meant spending the day shelling peanuts with my mother-in-law. Bargaining in the market with Haitian friends. Listening to his family tell stories about when he was little. Asking him about things from his childhood. Learning to cook Haitian food the correct way. And of course, learning the Creole language.

Don't Make A Big Deal Out of Everything

You say Walmart is huge because you are comparing it to a market in Haiti. I say it's small because it's not as big as Costco. Neither of us are in the wrong, so there is no need to try and push the other to give us our reason. It took me a while to get over the desire to make him see things as I do. The quicker you learn that arguments about subjective things are pointless, the better off you will be!

Lighten Up And Have Fun

There is no need to spend every moment obsessing about whether or not you can make this work. If you are already married then "it working out" is a choice! So you might as well stop complaining about how hard it is, how often he misunderstands you, how easy your friends have it. Just relax. Take a moment to be grateful for the unique opportunity you have and enjoy the journey. With all its embarrassing moments. All its seasons of testing. And especially all the exciting moments. Marriage is as fun as you make it.

Wait, One More Thing!

I feel I need to add a disclaimer to the end of this post. I've been asked a few times by young American women if I would recommend dating a Haitian. I find this question so challenging!

After all, dating or marrying a non-American is the same as dating or marrying an American. In the sense that if I do not know you and the guy well I have no place commenting on if it is a good idea or not. Each and every guy is different, no matter what culture they are from. There are diamonds in the rough in every group. But there are also ungodly and manipulative and even dangerous humans from every country in the world.

Making the choice to spend the rest of your life with someone is always a risk. That is why a choice should not be made flippantly. This especially goes for those marriages across cultures. Why? Well, because it's harder to see the true character of someone who is so different from you.

While I cannot say "yes intercultural marriage is worth it", or "no, don't do it". I can say this. Be very very careful. It may not be a popular recommendation, but I would not advise an American woman to marry a non-American man without first learning his native language, even if he speaks English!

Make sure if you are choosing to enter in to an intercultural relationship, that you are prepared to put in the work to make it thrive. With marriages like these the challenges are most often greater and last longer than a same-culture marriage. This is clearly seen by the higher divorce rate between couples of differing cultures. Studies show as much as a 10% increase.

Intercultural marriage is not for the faint of heart! But, I wouldn't have it any other way!

Let's Talk:

Have you experienced some of the same negative responses from the people around you when you stepped into an intercultural relationship?

What are some of the greatest challenges you have faced as a couple?

What are the best and most beautiful experiences you have had in your intercultural marriage?

Do you agree that learning your spouses language upfront is important? Why or why not?