Not Forsaken and Pressing On

My mouth will tell of your righteous deeds,

    of your saving acts all day long

    though I know not how to relate them all.

I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, Sovereign Lord;

    I will proclaim your righteous deeds, yours alone.

Since my youth, God, you have taught me,

    and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.

Even when I am old and gray,

    do not forsake me, my God,

till I declare your power to the next generation,

    your mighty acts to all who are to come.

Your righteousness, God, reaches to the heavens,

    you who have done great things.

    Who is like you, God?

Though you have made me see troubles,

    many and bitter,

    you will restore my life again;

from the depths of the earth

    you will again bring me up.

You will increase my honor

    and comfort me once more.

- Psalm 71:15-21

Bitter Parting

The clock struck 2 a.m. as the sound of automatic weapons firing in the darkness grew louder. My heart was beating loudly in my ears drowning out their sound... They were on our street.

I lay flat on the bed we had been sleeping in when the ringing explosions startled everyone awake before midnight. We were staying with friends who had give us a place to stay throughout our three week trip back home to Haiti. It was October, 2023.

Circumstances had forced us to let the rental house that we had called home for the past two years go and move to the states. While we weren’t able to be in Haiti full time, we couldn't bear to be away for long. We were on our second trip down that year.

Having just found out I was pregnant again the week before (three months after I miscarried our first child) my husband was a mess. “Stay inside and stay down”, he ordered me.

There I was, praying silently that the house we were in would not stand out to the attacking gang and that they would pass by quickly. All night the men stood in the doorway and under the covered porch watching the streaming bullets light up the sky a few hundred feet away. 

Unwilling Goodbye

At first light we hopped on motorcycles and were escorted by friends to a hotel in a nearby village to wait out the rest of the week until we could fly back to the states. It was a long and sad week. That was the last time I stepped foot in Haiti. 

I (Rachel) have been away for 1 year and 8 months now. In that time I gave birth to our beautiful daughter. My husband started a new job. He has visited Haiti twice on his own. And not a day has gone by that I haven’t missed it. 

I miss everything about our life there. The quiet and simple days. Getting to serve and love the beautiful and resilient Haitian people. All of the sights and smells of the tropical mountain countryside. The memories I have of unconventionally dating while immersed in full time ministry.

The saddest feeling of all is when I look at my daughter just loving life here, oblivious to the sheer devastation in her papa's home country. I wanted to raise her in Haiti. That was always the plan. We never wanted to live in the states. We never wanted to keep our daughter away from the country and people that are home to us.

Counting Cost

Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him For the help of His countenance. - Psalm 42:5

The other day I was talking about going to Haiti with a friend and they said something to the effect of "I know you need to use wisdom, but I also know that your comfort and safety is not the priority."

Obviously, I knew that, and have thought about it a lot. If it's wiser to put off plans for Haiti until a "better time" or a "safer time." If we should risk pouring resources and time into a building or program that may not be standing in a year or two.

It hit me during that conversation, that is what Satan wants! The enemy wants to scare Christians out of Haiti, the enemy wants to reclaim the island for darkness. And honestly, he is doing a pretty good job of it. While it is sad to see so many missionaries, and strong Haitian Christians leave, as the cost of staying grows, I can see the Lord using this to weed out those who aren't willing to count the cost.

It's costly to follow Christ into depravity. It's costly to choose going when employers and friends just don't get it. It's costly to uproot our lives every few months to fly back and forth between our ministry and the mundane activities of our life in the US.

We know all of this. We realize it makes little sense to the world. But we've counted the cost. We are going to move forward with the vision of Espwa Demen and grow that vision despite every wind that is blowing against progress. Oh my soul HOPE IN GOD.

Pressing On

Despite having every reason to be cast down and stop hoping for things to change, today I feel excited. Excited for the future. Excited to get going with a bigger vision than I ever imagined when I first moved to Haiti.

Espwa Demen is officially on route to become a 501c3 organization! Not only that, but just in the past year or so we have seen God bringing together a team out of the woodwork that has a shared passion for seeing Christ's love spread throughout the world. This is something I remember praying for since 2018, a community that would lift our arms as we attempt to carry the load of loving across borders.

The gang attack on Mirebalias that scattered our friends and family into the mountainside and caused us to lose our house, our land, and destroyed all of our plans, was devastating. Yet I can see God using "even this", for good.

It has caused us to consider a different village for our base of operations. Chevri, Haiti has been untouched by outside ministries. The community is in great physical and spiritual need. Whereas Mirebalais has had a lot of outside help and has many churches and schools already.

Even more encouraging, my husband and I have claim to a large plot of inherited land in the countryside where we can start to build a facility right away without having to navigate finding and purchasing land.

Be A Part

More updates to come as we start forming our board and mapping out our ministry goals going forward, but for now know this; We are pressing on. We believe and are praying with the psalmist "do not forsake me, my God, until I declare your power to the next generation, your mighty acts to all who are to come."

If you want to be a part of this transition and all that is to come consider becoming a monthly partner with us. You can do so, or make a one time donation at this link.

God Bless, Nelson and Rachel Espazien