The Married Missionary (overcoming the lie that single service is more Holy)
I was born in the 90's. It was a time in the church where "It is better to remain single" was the go to verse in youth groups. Missionary service was applauded. Especially if you were single, then you were made out to be a sacrificial hero.
Amazing individuals like Mary Slessor, Amy Carmichael, Lottie Moon, and Gladys Aylward, though they were serving on different mission fields, all had one thing in common, they were single. This fact was woven into every story about them and took center stage in every quote by them.
Naturally, when God started to work on my heart and stoke a desire in me to go on to the mission field, I wrestled with the idea of singleness. As that fiery 16 year old about to leave home, I made my choice, because in my mind it was an either or situation.
Marriage or mission field? I chose the mission field. Marriage was no longer on my radar.
The Single Missionary
One thing that is burned in my memory from my childhood is how big the topic of singleness was in Christian circles. Singleness was talked about, written about, and applauded. It was common knowledge that going on to the mission field single was the best option. In fact, often times, it was the only option.
Why? What reasons were given to encourage single service? Was it scriptural?
The main motivation for remaining single was that, "The married woman cares about the things of this world but the unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord". This verse was used to argue that, being married, a woman would be solely focused on her husband and children and would have no room left for service.
Over and over again it was impressed upon me that to choose marriage over what God was calling me to do on a foreign mission field, would make me a sellout. After all, how could I value the "idol of marriage" over following God?
While the Bible does clearly speak of singleness as a gift and something to be stewarded. In no way does Christianity teach that single service is better, or the only option. In fact, I believe that most of the time singleness is a seasonal gift. Meaning that God will ask you to serve in your singleness, until that season changes to one of marriage.
There are those who choose to remain single for the purpose of serving God without distraction. This is amazing, and God uses it to His glory. But it is not the more effective or more holy choice than marriage. It's just a different choice.
The Married Missionary
I've done both, serving single on the mission field, and married. Honestly, I thought that getting married would make me less effective on the field. I was ready to shift my focus to the mission of wife and motherhood if I must. However, to my surprise, I actually found that I was a more effective missionary married, than I could have ever been single!
There are so many reasons I could share with you why marriage was the best thing for my calling. But, here are just a few of the ways that marriage has increased my ability to serve well.
Increased Mobility - There are many places on the foreign mission field that a single woman cannot go. Whether it is culturally inappropriate (as in middle eastern culture), or dangerous (in many countries around the world, Haiti included). Once married I felt a freedom to go wherever the spirit lead.
Less Distraction - When you are in ministry or on the mission field specifically, you will likely cross paths with some great men. There will probably be some attraction and with it distraction. It was a relief when I got married, to realize that I could just focus on serving without giving a thought to how nice and eligible the men around me might be.
Broader Ministry Reach - As a single woman I didn't quite meet the criteria for certain areas of ministry. For instance; Family discipleship, couple counseling, or speaking into a married friend's situation. Being married has opened the door for more opportunities than I had before.
Emotional Support - This one is huge! The combination of full time ministry, culture shock, tropical sickness, and frequent losses makes for real mental hardship. Having my husband's arms to fall into for comfort and being able to talk to him about everything is the biggest blessing. Being in a supportive community is essential for lasting in the field. Having a supportive partner to wake up to every morning is even better than an external source.
Character Refining - New missionaries are prone to be prideful. "Look at all the sacrifices I am making and how well I am loving." Until you get married.... Nothing humbles you faster than the temptation to be unloving or unkind to your husband after loving and ministering to people outside of your home all day! Day in and day out, a healthy marriage makes you better.
Serving Faithfully
"As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace.” - 1 Peter 4:10
Neither singleness nor marriage is more holy. Being single does not get you out of serving "but I can't do it alone", and marriage does not keep you from serving, "but I have no time for ministry". Each of these are an excuse to disobey scripture and the call of God.
There are unique gifts that a single person can bring to the table in missions. Namely, the flexibility to come and go without having to worry about the logistics and safety of a family. Likewise, the married missionary can bring things to the table that the single missionary cannot, as I shared above.
We are each called to serve one another in the church and to reach outside of the church, spreading the gospel abroad. How I do it will depend upon my season of life, but as a Christian, I should be doing it. I should not be using my marital status as an excuse to do nothing.
Family As A Mission Field
There is another great error I have seen over and over again in old missionary ideology. It is the idea that the mission comes first, even before family. We see this often in the early American church. A missionary goes on to the field, gets married, has a child, and ships the child off to a boarding school when they are of age.
Many children were thrown aside as if caring for them was the less important task to ministry. But, your marriage, your children, and your family are YOUR MINISTRY! If you are married then you are called to serve your husband before going outside the doors of your home. If you have children, raising them in love and truth is your responsibility.
It is possible to raise a family on the mission field. It is also possible to serve outside of the home while still prioritizing the home. God gives grace for each of these seasons. "He who calls is faithful".
Single service is not more Holy. Neither is married service. They are just different. Both the married and the single Christian are called to serve. In whatever season you find yourself, love without limits and serve faithfully. Knowing that God will make a way for His will to be carried out in your life and ministry, whether or not you say "I do".