An ancient Greek playwright Euripides once said, "This is courage in a man: to bear unflinchingly what heaven sends."
We are so blessed. I can say that with conviction looking at our beautiful daughter, our thriving marriage, and as I think of all the families we've been privileged to help in Haiti over the years. I love our uncommon life.
But, sometimes I struggle, when I am asked to follow God down some lonely path again. To give up the things that I want. To be the misunderstood. To walk through fields of briars. Often, the unique struggles we face make me feel like no one understands.
Where no friends or family follow
I never had a ton of friends growing up. My family was pretty isolated (a whole other story for another time). I had a few. When I went to Haiti at the end of 2017 and decided that I would return after a few months to be there more permanently I didn't realize how much things would change back home while I was away.
Each time I returned to the US after being in Haiti for an extended period of time I would find that things and people had moved on without me. I was out of touch with the latest news, music, and trends. Everyone I knew had moved on to new jobs, school, relationships, or were having children.
I never experienced culture shock when I left the US for the first time in 2016, or when I moved to Haiti in 2017. However the reverse culture shock was almost too much to bear.
I came back from overseas and found myself completely alone. Not only did I not have friends that I could share my experiences with, but no one close to me could understand the things that were now a passion for me. In following God to Haiti I had followed Him away from everything and everyone familiar.
Saying "I do" alone
In 2020 I was mostly used to being alone when I would travel back to the states. After all, I had the experience of 4 years of back and forth ministry life in Haiti. Plus traveling across the world to volunteer and live in the Philippines for 4 months completely on my own. This nomad life style had become my norm.
However, that summer I experienced another crushing moment of loneliness. That led to a season of sadness. On July 24th, the day after my twenty-first birthday I married my best friend. It was the single most wonderful decision I had made in my life there was not a single friend or family member beside me for it.
At the time things were relatively insecure in Haiti and growing more so. Though nothing compared to the unrest of 2024! We said "I do" before Heaven alone.
Ever since I was a little girl I dreamed of my wedding day. Wearing white, carrying a big bouquet, the first dance, my dad giving me away, and the joyful reception afterwards. Instead, it was just my new husband and I standing there alone. No one applauded or hugged us in congratulations. There was no bridal shower or newlywed send off.
I mourned these losses on my own without a single person who could understood. To everyone else it was "well, at least you are married now". But for me, it was one of the biggest joys I ever had to forgo. What made it sting all the more was realizing that a wedding is not a luxury in America, rather it is a given when someone gets married.
God gives and takes away
Sometimes in life we are able to experience the mountain top. The great joys and gifts that come from serving the Lord who owns "the cattle on a thousand hills". Yet, we are not shielded from the reality that while our God is a God who gives, He is also the one who takes away.
We have been given much, namely, each other. We've also lost so very much.
The life we loved in Haiti.
Our hope of a wedding to celebrate our marriage.
Our first child.
Some of the support we counted on in ministry.
Friends.
I could go on, and I'm sure you could too. Such is the way of life in this broken world. Not until the end of time will the losing be put to an end. I don't share these losses with you to invoke your pity. Rather I want you to know dear reader that you are NOT ALONE in your losses.
Asking, "why?"
For those who are called to an uncommon path, the temptation is always going to be there to ask "why have I given up so much, served so much, in return just to be left alone and struggling?"
It can seem, and is probably true, that so many people are just living their life without a thought for the nations while they have seemingly everything. The pull of our eyes to look at those "other people" is strong.
In the midst of these questions, we may never understand the reasons this side of Heaven. We have only to say "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."
We can ask "why?" it's ok to wonder about all the injustices of life. But let our "why?" never drown out our trust. Though we may have to go through seasons of life alone in a human sense, we are never truly alone.
I will go
A verse that I have held close ever since I first stepped into that warm and unsure Haitian sunlight is this, "I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, Whom shall I send, and who will go for us? Then said I, Here am I; send me." Isaiah 6:8
I always loved this verse because like Isaiah I felt Like God was searching for those willing to go and in my generation there were so few. I did not know a single young missionary at the time. I felt the burden and wanted to be able to say to the Lord, "here am I, send me". Since the beginning of Christ's redemption story He has been looking, searching, seeking for those who will be faithful and carry His light to the nations.
"Go" is actually a command from Jesus to all of His followers. Those who lived in the times of the Bible and those who were still to come. Staying put should not be an option! Yet, often times we as Christians like to reason away this command with excuses.
Going is often coupled with loneliness. To use a social media example; going often decreases your followers and likes. The walk of a Christian is an individual one. Let us be able to say, though none go with me, I will still go.
The cost of obedience
Going will always come with a cost. Doing what God calls you to will always cause you to give up what He hasn't called you to. Despite what common theological error would have you believe, sometimes the cost of following Christ is leaving everything behind.
For some of the disciples "everything" was wealth, fame, status, home, family, being understood and accepted in society, for others it was simply a fishing net and the only source of income they'd ever known. Whatever it may be for you, just know that it will cost you.
Walking "alone" with Christ
We NEVER truly walk alone. Everything that we have to give up on this journey of following Christ is nothing compared to the joy of walking with Him.
The presence of Christ is never so deeply felt as in those moments of great loss. In the times of sacrifice we will see His face more fully. When all the worldly joys are stripped away we learn to rejoice in Him alone.
Identifying with the Lord means walking the unpopular path that Jesus also walked while here on earth. We may give up everything that this world applauds but in giving up we join the exclusive Jesus club. A club of men and women throughout history who have followed in the footsteps of the Christ.
Take heart
Take heart dear sister or brother in Christ. Be courageous. When He whispers to your heart "follow me", may you have the strength to say "Though none go with me, still I will follow".
"This is courage in a man: to bear unflinchingly what heaven sends."
